If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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