I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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