My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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