my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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