his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
