When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
