I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
