you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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