GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
