Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
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