This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
