the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize