I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I've blown a few things in my day
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
