You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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