I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
