I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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