i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
