Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
