I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
oh god the rape fog is back!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
