The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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