I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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