He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
