I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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