Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
