i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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