so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
