i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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