just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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