So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
