Please, let me fuck your mom
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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