my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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