Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize