I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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