Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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