the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
