my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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