My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
