Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
