Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize