i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I intend to get homeless drunk
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
