i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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