I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
