ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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