Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
