I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
