i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
not ubering you a puppy
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
