Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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