I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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