I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
