Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
