So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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