Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
