make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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