my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
