The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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