I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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