Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
