When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
