I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
