I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
