phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
