literally had 100 drinks last night.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
