I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
