You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
