the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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